What is your attachment style?

Many people go to yoga classes and meditation sessions to find a like-minded community. Yogic practices are supposed to make you feel friendlier, happier, and more connected to others.

Is that always the case?

It all depends on your attachment style.

Humans crave attachment

Us humans are tailored for attachment. Our Ventral Vagus nervous system wants to engage with other humans. Our attachment system gives a defensive coping mechanism for mental stress like how the immune system fights physical stress. Attachment helps us feel secure, connected, safe and is fundamental for our existence.

Human beings need to connect, to engage, and to feel like we are part of a community because it’s part of how our nervous systems function optimally. But not all of us attach in the same way.

Attachment Styles

John Bowlby, a psychologist, proposed the “attachment theory” in the 1950s, which explores the emotional bond between two humans. Attachment theory does not define your personality, it simply helps define how you are in relationships.

Use these points to evaluate your attachment style. Once you understand this, you will be able to explain any stress you receive from relationships and the behaviours you use to manage that stress.

Secure

People who have a secure attachment style tend to have warm, positive, responsive relationships.

• You communicate your feelings clearly

• You can remain calm and reasonable during conflict

• You know how to be independent and attached

• You aren’t jealous of your partner or friends

• You are flexible and cooperative

• You’re emotionally close to your partner

• You have the right mix of self-love and empathy

This is the one you want to have. The rest three are all types of insecure attachment.

Avoidant

People with avoidant attachment style tend to be dismissive of others, emotionally cold, and avoid intimacy in relationships.

• You place higher value on success and image than on emotional connection

• You feel your partner is always asking for MORE

• You are defensive during conflicts or discussions

• You have trouble expressing your emotions and maybe even feeling them

• You are extremely self-reliant

• You have a hard time getting close

• You never want to be seen as a failure by your partner

• You avoid or leave conflict to make things worse

Anxious

People with an anxious attachment style tend to feel unvalued in relationship and can be clingy and emotionally needy.

• You want attention and approval from your partner

• You feel as if you are fighting for emotional closeness

• You have separation anxiety

• You fear losing the relationship

• You can be demanding, critical, and needy with your partner

• You are dependent on your partner for self-worth

• You are always looking for approval from your partner

• You are emotionally sensitive

Disorganised

People with disorganised attachment style have inconsistent and contradictory responses to relationships. They may dissociate, or act out violently.

• You are more distressed than anxious or avoidant partners

• You have an intense fear of rejection

• You seek closeness but avoid closeness, there this constant internal struggle

• You may have been abused as a child

• You may be self-harming, self-depreciative and abusive

• You feel disorganised inside, your feelings are all over the place

• You lack clarity in what you really want from a relationship

Use the above points to evaluate yourself and also share with your partner. Awareness is the first step in course correction. I wish you an abundance of fulfilling relationships.

wknd@khaleejtimes.com

Connect with Anjaan across social media @MeditateWithAnjaan